More Denny’s discrimination
By Daniel | November 2, 2008
You’d think that after being fined $54.4 million for discrimination that Denny’s would make sure their store managers know they have to be uber diligent about making disparaging remarks over any group based on their age, race or socio-economic status.
Hell, no! This week a Denny’s manager sent out a MySpace message berating those who won’t take advantage of cheap drinks at the bar in their suburban Seattle restaurant, “You would have to be a backwoods inbreed *#$% to not come in and drink!!!!!”
Huh? It might well be that this manager thinks, “Well who would want to be a ‘backwoods inbreed’ anyway?” I wonder if the 20 million people who live in Appalachia would appreciate having the “inbreed” moniker thrust upon them by their local Denny’s?
Would it be a huge leap to give the nod for a local Denny’s manager to put out the word, “You’d have to be a broke-ass ni**er not to come in and drink!” or “You’d have to be a cheap-ass kike not to come in and drink!” Because who would want to be one of those either?
If this was an attempt at humor it was beyond insensitive. It was foolish and ignorant. No less from a manager who employs many different minorities as cooks and servers. (I’ve been to this Denny’s, but no more! My late night dining will now be at the Shari’s about a mile away.) I’ll be dropping a line to Elizabeth Geer, Senior Director of Advertising & Merchandising for Denny’s Corporation…and recommend you do too.
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Make the past go away
By Daniel | September 1, 2008
It’s interesting how many emails I’ve gotten over the years from BBWNorthwest members who don’t quite get that the internet does not exist in a vacuum. It’s part of real life. And unless you’re Superman and can change the rotation of the earth to go back in time, real life becomes part of history.
Daniel I hope you get this, I have remove myself from your group and am moving on in life but can you do me the favor of removing any and all pics from your party pic I would appreciate it. thank you
I can appreciate that members sometimes meet someone they want to establish a lasting relationship with or for some other reason want to “move on in life” by leaving our group, but it is unreasonable to expect to make the past go away. Unless it’s a case where someone’s personal safety is being threatened where there’s a police protection order, or some other legal action, leaving empty holes in our photo gallery or gaps in the continuity of our message board threads to cover up the choice you willfully made to participate is not something we should be playing “clean up” for.
As adults, we make choices every day. And as adults we should understand that those choices have affects on our lives both instantly and in the future. About a year ago a 24-year-old guy joined the group to profess his penchant for sex with older women. His reaction from women in the group didn’t quite elicit the “gratitude” he expected. In fact, most pretty much berated him for his strictly carnal interests to the point where he left the group. Would you believe that just last week I got an email from this former member with a long list of URLs from every post he ever made – plus others who posted quoting him – telling me “I’m tired of seeing these in Google” and to “remove them immediately”?
I’ve often said that for any parts of my life I want to keep private now and forever, I don’t post details on public internet forums! In fact, I’m very selective with whom I share it with in any written form, including emails…as you never know who they might be forwarded to or even posted online. Events I attend where I know there are photos being taken by the party hosts and I may not want the world to know I was in attendance? I make a point of telling the host then and there I don’t want pics taken of me (we have several BBWNorthwest members who have requested such for various personal reasons), or I don’t go. I certainly wouldn’t – as this gentleman did – pose for photos!
I don’t doubt that over the years various married or partnered men and women have posted to our group or come to our events in search of a hookup or some other kind of relationship with the opposite sex. We’ve said it many times over our 9 year history, and I’ll say it again. If you’re trying to be on the downlow, BBWNorthwest is not the place for you to troll. You can try AdultFriendFinder; although I understand that those members’ tolerance for those leading double lives is also low.
OK, speaking of emails, here’s another one from last week’s mailbag received from an Oregon woman who had been a member for four years…
The reason I took myself off of your list/group is that you are in another STATE! There TRULY needs to be an Oregon group.
I went through the archives and saw in four years this woman had only posted to our group (4) times … twice in 2004 and twice this year. Two of her posts were in the vein of, “I’m looking for a man”…nothing to contribute to our discussions or give members any insight into who she was or what she was about except she was looking for a man. Well aren’t most ALL single women in that category?
The fact is BBWNorthwest has more Oregon members than BBW groups that are based in Oregon! And more Oregon members that regularly attend our events than events that are held IN Oregon.
Want to make a connection through an online group? Let people know you’re out there! Contribute to discussions. Start topics of your own. If you’re seeking more than a sex partner, why wouldn’t a prospective romantic interest want to know more about you than you have breasts and a vagina? What interests do you have? What makes you laugh? What are your career pursuits? Certainly there has to be SOMETHING more about you than your pursuit of the opposite sex.
Our group is an interactive experience. If you want to reap the benefits, you need to take the time and make the commitment to participate. And before you join, you have to be sure that you’re fine with the whole world knowing that you’re in a size-acceptance social group. Because no matter how much you might wish it would, the past doesn’t go away.
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Full disclosure
By Daniel | August 15, 2008
Today I read a fat girl’s lament on a BBW message board:
I … have given up on dating because of VERY shallow men I have dated in the last year … they see your face and talk to you on the phone … but when they see you are a BBW and you have a large Butt or curvy it is SHALLOW HAL all over the place …
What does that have to do with being “shallow”? Some guys simply aren’t into fat chicks!
What’s her reason for not spelling in out in no uncertain terms that she is a BBW? I know some gals have a tendency not to disclose that information ahead of time with the faulty (fearful?) logic that “we get along so well talking and he thinks I have a pretty face, so I’m sure my body size won’t matter.” To me that’s deception, pure and simple. Have your heart set on a romantic relationship? The only way to approach it is full disclosure!
Whether it’s right or wrong, fair or unfair, for most men it DOES matter! It’s been said many times that men are visual creatures; how you look is the source of their physical excitement and interest in becoming more than just a friend.
Once online chat gets to the point of wanting to meet in person, why not let the guy know in no uncertain terms that you are fat? And so that’s not left to his interpretation of what “fat” means (I’ve also heard of women meeting guys who ended up saying, “You said you were fat, but I didn’t think you were THAT fat!”) why not send him several current full-length photos. I’m not saying she should apologize for it. Nor say, “I”m fat, but losing weight” – unless of course she is. Just be YOU and be proud of YOU!
I’m not buying into the “poor little fat girl” is a victim when she could have easily saved herself some grief. Accept that as human animals, physical appearance IS important to most men when it comes to sexual attraction and arousal. Again, whether that’s fair or unfair doesn’t matter. If a romantic relationship isn’t meant to be because your body doesn’t trip his trigger, that’s simply the reality. But to go through all the anticipation of dressing up and meeting someone in person when you haven’t made them fully aware of your physical appearance – and then sulking because you got rejected because of it – is something that’s within your control before you leave the house.
Even as an enthusiastic size acceptance advocate, I would never label anyone as “shallow” because a prospective love interest didn’t like my appearance. Sure, love me for my mind and personality. But I also want to know that you are hot for my body!
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Mama told me not to come
By Daniel | August 3, 2008
In August, 2001 two Los Angeles gals opened what was heralded as the first true BBW nightclub, Club Curves. The group has gone through several different names and many different venues due to complaints of fights, loud music, public urination and drunken driving incidents.
After some violent incidents at the venue of their last iteration, Club Moxie at Camacho’s in City of Industry, CA, forced them to take a hiatus, the new group (the original founders say they’re no longer involved) has again been rebranded Club Zodiac and made their new home a club called Monte Cristo in LA’s Koreatown. The venue was reviewed by one local site this way:
This multi-level spot inside a downtown skyscraper is hard to find and — seeing as the club caters to alternative lifestyles — that’s probably a good thing for the people who come here. There are raunchy lesbian nights, Goth events where whips and chains come out and urban dance parties. Club Monte Cristo has even hosted bashes for wanna-be vampires. We suggest calling before heading out – unless you want to “accidentally” show up on a night where someone will try to suck your blood.
I can’t wait for the goths to show up and be disappointed. “Oh, this is fat girls night? We thought it was lesbian vampire whips and chains night!” Club Monte Cristo presently also seems to be home to events from Malediction Society which describes itself as “Post modern depravity for a high-voltage society.” One recent visitor reviewed the venue on Yelp saying, “Ok, it doesn’t have air conditioning and the heat can get a bit oppressive in the summer, but it’s really an ideal location for a goth club. It’s got the whole vampire chic vibe going on … bathrooms are a little funky but I’ve certainly been to worse.”
Another recent reviewer of the venue wrote, “Okay I have been to this club a number of times and I probably wouldn’t recommend this club unless you wanna hang out with gang members …”
Combine those colorful reviews with the group’s violent past and their current caveat, “No gang attire,” and I have to admit it’s less than inviting for a single gal or even one with a few pals to feel safe and welcomed. There’s a saying, “Those who do not remember history are bound to repeat it.” With that in mind, why oh why would Curves Moxie Zodiac take up residence in such scary digs? Isn’t the idea behind plus-size events to provide a safe and accepting environment?
By the way, I don’t see anything in Zodiac’s hype about “size acceptance” unlike the slogan of Orange County’s Butterfly Lounge who puts those words front and center.
Zodiac’s relaunch is August 22. What’s the over/under on how long they’ll last before there’s again some drama or violent incident that shuts them down? Place your bets!
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Bye, Debbie!
By Daniel | July 30, 2008
A couple of years ago, I wrote this about a BBWNorthwest member whose posts only seemed to bring the group down with her miserable life. In “honor” of another member who of late has been doing the same, I’m reposting this April, 2006 entry:
For a few years, Saturday Night Live’s Rachel Dratch has played a recurring character called Debbie Downer. Here’s her theme song:
You’re enjoying your day
Everything’s going your way
Then along comes Debbie Downer.
Always there to tell you ’bout a new disease
A car accident or killer bees
You beg her to spare you, “Debbie, Please!”
But you can’t stop Debbie Downer!
The sketches show Debbie with a group of others who are in a social situation. They might mention something like, “Boy this steak is delicious!” Debbie will chime in, “I guess so if you don’t mind the cholesterol strangling your heart to death.” You get the idea.
For several years there’s been a member of BBWNorthwest who I don’t think I’ve ever seen post anything that conveyed joy, pleasure or fun. Granted our group talks about real life issues and real life isn’t always sunny. But NEVER to have posted anything hopeful or positive?
Invariably she’ll surface when the group has the inevitably cyclical discussion asking, “Where are all the good men/women?” Her posts will go on and on about her bad dating experiences, what losers the men she meets are, why men can’t work as hard as she does at her career, etc.
As much as we share suggestions and methods of breaking out of that rut and negative mindset, there’s never been a change in her attitude. I know we all face personal challenges – and BBW groups are also a place where we can comiserate about those things only someone in the plus-size community can understand. But sometimes one has to consider that maybe part of their difficulty in finding someone special is THEMSELVES!
I read once that stupidity was defined as not changing your behavior, but expecting different results. We can all bitch and whine and moan about what we’d like more of in our lives. The other part is getting out and DOING something about it.
Are there those people for whom despite their best efforts still find their lives lacking and feeling downtrodden? Of course! Connecting with the right “someone” not only requires consistency, persistency and methodical effort … but a little bit of luck and charm. I know lots of great gals who despite their best efforts have still not made a real love connection. Unfortunately, some insist to themselves that’s the best they can do, and rather than have no one, deals with the heartache and heartbreak of a relationship that’s less than they deserve. But that’s for another rant.
It doesn’t seem like rocket science to understand one has to put out positive vibes to attract someone positive. Sometimes it’s hard to BE positive when you’ve been kicked down so often or deal with the latest in a series of creepy dates. But I do know that those people with a good sense of humor and irony roll with the punches and enjoy life more – either alone or with someone – than those who constantly catastrophize.
I remember hearing similar comments about some members when I was at Events & Adventures. It would usually be after one of their hosted trips or cruises or ski weekends where members spent close quarters for a period of time. We’d hear complaints about one member or another who evidently felt left out (despite the host trying to include them in activities) or personally persecuted … and felt the remedy was to ratchet up their annoyance factor so people would be forced to pay attention to them. They didn’t care if it was good attention or bad attention, at least they felt they were getting attention.
That person would always be unhappy, probably never considering everyone else wasn’t singling them out to be persecuted, but merely their honest reaction to how that person was interacting. People want to be around other people who are friendly and fun!
Which brings us to the present…and the gal who asked why she couldn’t post to the group. I had to candidly tell her it was because she was a downer. Not only in ALL her submitted posts over the years to our group, but more recent posts from her in other BBW groups. I offered her some encouragement and left the door open if ever she could mix a little positivity, hope and joy between rants, to come on back.
Oh, her email reply didn’t include, “I appreciate your honesty; you’ve given me something to think about,” but instead she went off in a 4 page email on me on how “mentally disturbed” I must be to follow her posts so closely like “a stalker”. Sorry, a stalker I ain’t … but as we are a moderated group and I read every post, it would be impossible for me not to retain something about the personalities of contributing members, right?
I agree that being a group of acceptance means tolerance for all points of view. But when the only point of view one is willing to espouse is devoid of hope and joy? I have to offer my favorite Dr. Phil-ism, “How’s that working out for you?”
And to our most recent member’s trials and tribulations and repeated posts about her failed marriage and no money? I’ve run out of pity and compassion. If you’re not doing anything to pull your own life together, whining about it to 15,000 group members won’t help you either. It only brings those who are working hard to make their lives better down. Bye, Debbie!
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