Full disclosure
By Daniel | August 15, 2008
Today I read a fat girl’s lament on a BBW message board:
I … have given up on dating because of VERY shallow men I have dated in the last year … they see your face and talk to you on the phone … but when they see you are a BBW and you have a large Butt or curvy it is SHALLOW HAL all over the place …
What does that have to do with being “shallow”? Some guys simply aren’t into fat chicks!
What’s her reason for not spelling in out in no uncertain terms that she is a BBW? I know some gals have a tendency not to disclose that information ahead of time with the faulty (fearful?) logic that “we get along so well talking and he thinks I have a pretty face, so I’m sure my body size won’t matter.” To me that’s deception, pure and simple. Have your heart set on a romantic relationship? The only way to approach it is full disclosure!
Whether it’s right or wrong, fair or unfair, for most men it DOES matter! It’s been said many times that men are visual creatures; how you look is the source of their physical excitement and interest in becoming more than just a friend.
Once online chat gets to the point of wanting to meet in person, why not let the guy know in no uncertain terms that you are fat? And so that’s not left to his interpretation of what “fat” means (I’ve also heard of women meeting guys who ended up saying, “You said you were fat, but I didn’t think you were THAT fat!”) why not send him several current full-length photos. I’m not saying she should apologize for it. Nor say, “I”m fat, but losing weight” - unless of course she is. Just be YOU and be proud of YOU!
I’m not buying into the “poor little fat girl” is a victim when she could have easily saved herself some grief. Accept that as human animals, physical appearance IS important to most men when it comes to sexual attraction and arousal. Again, whether that’s fair or unfair doesn’t matter. If a romantic relationship isn’t meant to be because your body doesn’t trip his trigger, that’s simply the reality. But to go through all the anticipation of dressing up and meeting someone in person when you haven’t made them fully aware of your physical appearance - and then sulking because you got rejected because of it - is something that’s within your control before you leave the house.
Even as an enthusiastic size acceptance advocate, I would never label anyone as “shallow” because a prospective love interest didn’t like my appearance. Sure, love me for my mind and personality. But I also want to know that you are hot for my body!
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Mama told me not to come
By Daniel | August 3, 2008
In August, 2001 two Los Angeles gals opened what was heralded as the first true BBW nightclub, Club Curves. The group has gone through several different names and many different venues due to complaints of fights, loud music, public urination and drunken driving incidents.
After some violent incidents at the venue of their last iteration, Club Moxie at Camacho’s in City of Industry, CA, forced them to take a hiatus, the new group (the original founders say they’re no longer involved) has again been rebranded Club Zodiac and made their new home a club called Monte Cristo in LA’s Koreatown. The venue was reviewed by one local site this way:
This multi-level spot inside a downtown skyscraper is hard to find and — seeing as the club caters to alternative lifestyles — that’s probably a good thing for the people who come here. There are raunchy lesbian nights, Goth events where whips and chains come out and urban dance parties. Club Monte Cristo has even hosted bashes for wanna-be vampires. We suggest calling before heading out - unless you want to “accidentally” show up on a night where someone will try to suck your blood.
I can’t wait for the goths to show up and be disappointed. “Oh, this is fat girls night? We thought it was lesbian vampire whips and chains night!” Club Monte Cristo presently also seems to be home to events from Malediction Society which describes itself as “Post modern depravity for a high-voltage society.” One recent visitor reviewed the venue on Yelp saying, “Ok, it doesn’t have air conditioning and the heat can get a bit oppressive in the summer, but it’s really an ideal location for a goth club. It’s got the whole vampire chic vibe going on … bathrooms are a little funky but I’ve certainly been to worse.”
Another recent reviewer of the venue wrote, “Okay I have been to this club a number of times and I probably wouldn’t recommend this club unless you wanna hang out with gang members …”
Combine those colorful reviews with the group’s violent past and their current caveat, “No gang attire,” and I have to admit it’s less than inviting for a single gal or even one with a few pals to feel safe and welcomed. There’s a saying, “Those who do not remember history are bound to repeat it.” With that in mind, why oh why would Curves Moxie Zodiac take up residence in such scary digs? Isn’t the idea behind plus-size events to provide a safe and accepting environment?
By the way, I don’t see anything in Zodiac’s hype about “size acceptance” unlike the slogan of Orange County’s Butterfly Lounge who puts those words front and center.
Zodiac’s relaunch is August 22. What’s the over/under on how long they’ll last before there’s again some drama or violent incident that shuts them down? Place your bets!
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Bye, Debbie!
By Daniel | July 30, 2008
A couple of years ago, I wrote this about a BBWNorthwest member whose posts only seemed to bring the group down with her miserable life. In “honor” of another member who of late has been doing the same, I’m reposting this April, 2006 entry:
For a few years, Saturday Night Live’s Rachel Dratch has played a recurring character called Debbie Downer. Here’s her theme song:
You’re enjoying your day
Everything’s going your way
Then along comes Debbie Downer.
Always there to tell you ’bout a new disease
A car accident or killer bees
You beg her to spare you, “Debbie, Please!”
But you can’t stop Debbie Downer!
The sketches show Debbie with a group of others who are in a social situation. They might mention something like, “Boy this steak is delicious!” Debbie will chime in, “I guess so if you don’t mind the cholesterol strangling your heart to death.” You get the idea.
For several years there’s been a member of BBWNorthwest who I don’t think I’ve ever seen post anything that conveyed joy, pleasure or fun. Granted our group talks about real life issues and real life isn’t always sunny. But NEVER to have posted anything hopeful or positive?
Invariably she’ll surface when the group has the inevitably cyclical discussion asking, “Where are all the good men/women?” Her posts will go on and on about her bad dating experiences, what losers the men she meets are, why men can’t work as hard as she does at her career, etc.
As much as we share suggestions and methods of breaking out of that rut and negative mindset, there’s never been a change in her attitude. I know we all face personal challenges - and BBW groups are also a place where we can comiserate about those things only someone in the plus-size community can understand. But sometimes one has to consider that maybe part of their difficulty in finding someone special is THEMSELVES!
I read once that stupidity was defined as not changing your behavior, but expecting different results. We can all bitch and whine and moan about what we’d like more of in our lives. The other part is getting out and DOING something about it.
Are there those people for whom despite their best efforts still find their lives lacking and feeling downtrodden? Of course! Connecting with the right “someone” not only requires consistency, persistency and methodical effort … but a little bit of luck and charm. I know lots of great gals who despite their best efforts have still not made a real love connection. Unfortunately, some insist to themselves that’s the best they can do, and rather than have no one, deals with the heartache and heartbreak of a relationship that’s less than they deserve. But that’s for another rant.
It doesn’t seem like rocket science to understand one has to put out positive vibes to attract someone positive. Sometimes it’s hard to BE positive when you’ve been kicked down so often or deal with the latest in a series of creepy dates. But I do know that those people with a good sense of humor and irony roll with the punches and enjoy life more - either alone or with someone - than those who constantly catastrophize.
I remember hearing similar comments about some members when I was at Events & Adventures. It would usually be after one of their hosted trips or cruises or ski weekends where members spent close quarters for a period of time. We’d hear complaints about one member or another who evidently felt left out (despite the host trying to include them in activities) or personally persecuted … and felt the remedy was to ratchet up their annoyance factor so people would be forced to pay attention to them. They didn’t care if it was good attention or bad attention, at least they felt they were getting attention.
That person would always be unhappy, probably never considering everyone else wasn’t singling them out to be persecuted, but merely their honest reaction to how that person was interacting. People want to be around other people who are friendly and fun!
Which brings us to the present…and the gal who asked why she couldn’t post to the group. I had to candidly tell her it was because she was a downer. Not only in ALL her submitted posts over the years to our group, but more recent posts from her in other BBW groups. I offered her some encouragement and left the door open if ever she could mix a little positivity, hope and joy between rants, to come on back.
Oh, her email reply didn’t include, “I appreciate your honesty; you’ve given me something to think about,” but instead she went off in a 4 page email on me on how “mentally disturbed” I must be to follow her posts so closely like “a stalker”. Sorry, a stalker I ain’t … but as we are a moderated group and I read every post, it would be impossible for me not to retain something about the personalities of contributing members, right?
I agree that being a group of acceptance means tolerance for all points of view. But when the only point of view one is willing to espouse is devoid of hope and joy? I have to offer my favorite Dr. Phil-ism, “How’s that working out for you?”
And to our most recent member’s trials and tribulations and repeated posts about her failed marriage and no money? I’ve run out of pity and compassion. If you’re not doing anything to pull your own life together, whining about it to 15,000 group members won’t help you either. It only brings those who are working hard to make their lives better down. Bye, Debbie!
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Is being a fat porn queen worth “honoring”?
By Daniel | July 20, 2008
Seems like many BBW groups are carrying news of the October Los Angeles event called the BBW Honors. It’s being promoted by Darren Battle, also known as DJ Zulu, the owner/promoter of the Big Boogie Nights BBW dance events. Some may remember Darren’s promotion of 2 events in Portland and Seattle some years ago with “a more adult atmosphere” which failed miserably.
Taking a look at the type and number of categories in this presentation it seems more than 1/3 of these “honors” are going to BBW porn models, websites and adult films.
Or should that be a surprise from someone who once promoted himself as a “DungeonMaster…Focusing on BDSM In The Large Community”?
While I think the idea of honoring those who promote size acceptance is great, might the messenger obscure the message? Take a look at BBW Honors promoter Darren Battle’s posts in online groups devoted to spanking, punishment, fetish, bondage, “watersports”, and other prurient pursuits.
I’ve always maintained that there’s a big difference between “size acceptance” and “fat fetishism”. Darren’s interest seems to be more of the latter.
Is it a credit and “honor” to the size acceptance community to put women who gorge themselves and play with their fat on video for profit on the same stage (and the same level) as the National Association for Fat Acceptance? I think not.
If anything this event reeks more of “fatsploitation” than “honors”. I’m sure there will be many who’ll pony up $40 a ticket (sponsorships are $150-$500) to see their favorite fold-diddling cam girls in person. But how does that foster size acceptance?
Want to “honor” those who promote true size-acceptance and size-acceptance events? Join their organizations! Patronize their events! Much of the BBW community is already inexorably tied to prurient interests. Do we need more of that? Does that deserve an “honor”?
Update: According to a July 21 post on the event’s MySpace, the BYGIE Awards have been “temporarily postponed”. In an August 3 statement by producer Darren (”DJ Zulu”) Battle, on a BBW message board popular for its promotion of plus-size adult models, he wrote, “… I am sad to announce that the Bygies are postponed due to logistics, lack of time from some of the committee and other commitments. The Bygies will happen at some point, with me as producer or with someone else. We will keep you posted.” I’m not holding my breath.
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Afraid of honesty
By Daniel | June 24, 2008
Honesty is such a lonely word,
Everyone is so untrue.
Honesty is hardly ever heard,
And mostly what I need from you…
– “Honesty” - Billy Joel (1978)
Even though I’ve been there only about 6 weeks, my Wednesday night karaoke show in Greenlake has been a smashing success with 200-300 people packing the bar weekly. It’s also produced some leads inquiring about me entertaining at other local bars.
One called me last week and after our conversation immediately hired me over the phone. They told me they’d been doing karaoke for awhile but their existing host didn’t have a lot of current music and seemed kind of “boring”. Well that’s one thing I’ve never been called! They told me they’d give that host a final week and then have me come in the following week.
Because the bar was in a far-flung mountain town suburb (a 60 mile round trip from me) I let them know my rate included a little extra for travel. They had no problem with it and we agreed on the weekly price.
During that week I did some promotion for them on MySpace, Craigslist and some other web communities announcing my new show. I got to the (rather small) bar early so I’d have plenty of time to work within their logistics and position my rig for the best access and setup.
Owner comes in just about when I’m ready to start and immediately tells me they’ve “made other plans” to “change things up” from week to week and that they’d be “trying out other KJs” on Mondays so this would be my first and last night there. WTF?!?! It soon became apparent.
The night progresses and there probably weren’t 15-20 people through there all night. Only about 6 different people - who appeared to be friends - were singing over and over in various combinations. I asked the bartender if that night’s numbers were light; he said they were typical for a Monday. Also that this was only Week 4 of them having karaoke. (Hardly “awhile”.) I looked on the bar’s MySpace pics and, you guessed it, their karaoke singers were pretty much these same 6 people.
So the reason why the owner basically let me go before the night even began - so she could make a fair assessment by seeing my show and the number of people it would attract - suddenly made sense. It had nothing to do with me or my performance. She obviously already found someone cheaper!
As it turned out, I’m glad things ended the way they did because it looks like this sleepy mountain town pretty much rolls up their sidewalks on a Monday night and getting any kind of critical mass of people to make it worth their while would be a daunting challenge. I’m no stranger to Monday shows after almost 3 years as a karaoke host in the U-District. At least it was in the heart of an entertainment district and got enough “lookie-loos” to see the show to decide to make it a weekly destination.
Anyway, I collected my money and it’s all water under the bridge. In retrospect I should have traveled to the location and met with the owners before agreeing to play there. But fergawdsakes - are there that many hucksters and charlatans among entertainers that bar owners can’t be candid with us? We understand that we’re merely a vehicle for people to buy drinks and ring the register. Believe me, if I can’t make you money, I don’t want to be there! It might well be by finding a karaoke host half my price they might eke out a small profit for the night…but shouldn’t they have known that before they agreed to pay my price?
Why oh why can’t bar owners be honest about such things? I’m a businessman, they are businessmen. I never take business decisions personally. It’s like a relationship where you’re told some BS why they’re breaking up with you (”It’s not you, it’s me!”) but not the REAL reason. I’m a big boy, I can handle it!
Lesson learned. Next song.
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